i need to get things out, i agree from reading amandas post that sometimes lists are easier, so here goes my list - ish- things of frustration and roadblocks in my life at the moment:

time - james, my best friends, even family are constantly juggling time trying to figure out what few hours we can spend together

work - my fucking job was giving me shit for hours the last couple weeks, and now this week my manager gave me 0, yeah thats right 0!!??!!  i called him, he was supposed to "let me know" and call me today, never did.

my parents are not at all fine with my situation of shit for job either. so i always get crap for it: "are u even looking for a job?? what are you going to do? how are u going to manage after school?"  my answer: how the fuck should i know when ive applied at at least 10 places and no call backs

every time i have to say goodbye to the beautiful face of james i think god i wish we could just have our own place to go at the end of the day. and not worry about having to say goodbye and drive 15 minutes. a place where i could cook like i so badly want to. i want to try new recipes and be the one to take care of james when he gets home at whatever time of night. then get up and go to work in the morning. yeah, i could do that. i would work my ass off if i knew there was a guarentee that i was going to see james on a regular basis

whenever we hang out at my house, it makes me nervous bc i have to constantly be worried about what my parents might say or react to james. for instance... sunday night, james and i were watching tv. now, james tends to want to be verrry close to me most of the time haha. so he just happend to lay his head down on me. he was tired, it was sorta late. we had been playing outside all day. but god forbid he do that when my parents are around bc my dad came in and said james, if youre that tired maybe you should just go home. so james got up and left. it was just awkward and just really hard to see that, again if we had our own place...

lately ive gotten really lazy, i think it has to do with the fact that i cant find a job and just feel like shit basically lately. my room is a mess, but i never seem to have time to just do what i want. bc if i stay at home and try to fix things here then my mom comes home, asks what i did. and then nags me for not going out to look for a job or makes me feel guilty about spending time with james.

whenver i step out of my room and see all my paint stuff, and think hmm i havent painted in so long, and now that i have a "studio" it just seems like ive been too tired, or end up running out of time, or else when i do want to its a nice day and then i feel bad for not being outside enjoying the sun,

i thought trevor was gonna be a good friend but i guess not. since he only talks to me whenver hes bored or likes to tell me how he was drunk driving on the wrong way of a one way street yet the cops let him go......why the fuck do i care?

and why is it that someone driving home from college with literally 6 dollars in their bank account can get a fucking 160 dollar speeding ticket, yet guys that are DRIVING DRUNK THE WRONG WAY ON A ONE WAY STREET were told to go ahead bc an accident happened up the road.........................james explanation: they pay their dues in the end....still frustrating as hell. hah thats ironic

i forget what we were talking about but one time james was luaghing and said i love your daughter to my mom. her response : "i dont need to know that".   or something liek that that was just like wtf

i hate to even think about when i have to go back to school

on the way back from florida, i was driving by myself bc my parents had switched to my dads company car, we passed a wreck that had just happened. it was one car that had drvin straight into a barrier. i immediately thought of alex and pretty much cried..again.. im sooooooo sick of that

i need to have fun, i feel like getting drunk.. i dont have money

on the happy side. im healthy, i have handsome hardworking man, and an awesome relationship with amazing sex.

the end.

my smart quote of the day: love :it can be an indescribable peaceful happiness when its fully reciprocated - me haha

last sunday was the first day james and i got to really hang out and the day i said i love you again for the first time. we did everything that day. first we tried to go swimming but it was a little too cold so we layed out by the pool (ended up getting a little burnt) but then we went to olop playground and played basketball. we swung on the swings and ended up laying in the grass just talking and looking at the clouds and decided to go fishing. so we drove out to nimiscilla lake where we camped last year. walked through the woods for a while till we found his spot. we climbed out on a limb and sat for a while just enjoying the scenery and peaceful weather. the he propped the pole in the log so we could get out of the sun. i spread out my beach towel haha and we sat nad listened to music on his phone for a while hoping to catch something. but no luck. we were laying down until he flicked a spider off my neck hahaha. we kinda both freaked out and was like ok thats enough. :)  so then on the way back we wanted something to eat and randomly decided on pizza hut "italian bistro" we split a calzone. it was yummy. then we went to see what movies were playing. we went to the massillon theatre bc its a little cheaper. the one that was playing at the right time was pixar's up.  it was so good. sad but good. especially the short film before it. made james laugh out loud haha. then we came back to my house and i think we watched that 70s show until he had to go home. it was a really full day and it felt sooo nice.
then last night i dont think ill ever forget. i love the times when we're just together and its so peaceful.  we went out to smileys where we had our first date and split a meal after he spilled italian dressing all over me haha. it was funny and embarassing. but then we were back at my house we talked about his family in florida and how they had moved from el salvador and all that kind of stuff it was really interesting. he wants to go visit them around christmas and wants me to come with him. im kinda scared. he said i may not be able to understand them very well bc they have such thick spanish accents :) im gonna be so nervous.  but then after that we started talking about music and what songs weve been listening to or which ones are our favorites. he put on slow dancing in a burning room by john mayer and then free fallin which is one of my favorites. while they were playing we literally just layed there and would stare at each other haha. he would sing a little bit and i would sing a little bit. it was the sweetest thing. one of those times i couldve cried bc it was just so emotional for me. i really dont know why and that sounds kinda funny but yeah. i just look at his eyes and i feel like i could be there forever. i figured out a lot lately. i think trevor just seemed exciting to me bc it was something so completely different and not someone i would normally go for so it was just like i wanted to jump into it. but with james its not necessarily that im so excited about having a relationship with him. it goes deeper, its like im just so happy when im with him and it just feels good.  and the relationship just happens. we dont have to work at it. hes my best friend, we talk about every freaking thing haha. and ive seen hows hes changed in a such a good way. hes more considerate now and openly talks about things that hes done that he knows were jackass things to do and that he does have that quality sometimes. hah but now he realizes it and stops himself.  even stupid things like i noticed when i was in his van. and he rolled down my window bc he was putting his down. then he put mine up and was like oh i shouldve asked you if u wanted yours down. turned and looked at me and said would u like your window down with his flirty smile haha. it was cute. but yeah i just wanted to make sure i wrote about last sunday funday. and last night. i didnt want to forget. we might try to go to a concert on our anniversary too. july 11th. 7-11! :) alright i think i should go to bed. ive written a lot. but it felt good. the search continues for a better job. and more money. booooo
im so happy i found my best friend though

my teacher kim said something like this, tears are not meant to sting or burn, but they always mean change, something is changing in you or around you when you cry. it makes so much sense to me
especially recently when i was crying on the phone with james.  and that really did mean change. i dont know how its gonna turn out. its so weird how a person can be so in love with someone and then one day someone else comes along and they dont feel the same anymore. i feel so bad for feeling like that. i remember how head over heels i was with james. i still love him, but its changed. trevor stepped into my life and now its like im being pulled in 2 different directions....again....like it was with alex. its such an issue i wish i could understand it more. its gonna be horrible when i go home for the summer bc im not gonna want to leave trevor. im gonna miss him. god knows i miss seeing him after even a day. suuuuuucks. i guess thats the story of my life. nothing is ever simple, cut and dried. theres always at least something in the way or just something that prevents me from feeling anything wholly. if that makes sense. ok like when i loved alex, there was the distance, 2 hours from school, 6 hours in the summer. my parents didnt really like him, and of course my car had issues and i worried about gas money, if he came to school then we had to worry about how he was gonna stay overnight.  ok so then i met james. that was amazing. but then i had alex in the background trying to pull me back and trying to see me. after alex passed away, it wasnt much better. im still at school 6 hours away so i didnt get to see him. when i was home on breaks there were issues with my mom not wanting him to stay over and stuff like that. and then his mom not letting me in the house.  then i met trevor and i thought we were gonna be like best friends. but then he kissed me and stuff and i was completely confused. really?! these are all the examples of the roadblocks in my life. i keep telling myself that whatever doesnt kill me will make me stronger. im not trying to sound like a sob story, i just need to write it somewhere. so maybe i can see what ive been through and see that i can make it through and somehow itll all come together in the end. i have a problem that i care too much. that i never want to hurt anybody. and im also selfish. ive become more selfish thoguh lately. which i think might be better for me at least for now. like i need some balls to say hey, this isnt right for me right now, just let me be.
so anyway.... i dont know about trevor. i really like him. its just that hesitation feeling i get. in a way i dont wanna it to become anything too quickly. in another way i almost think it might be a great thing that only lasts for a little bit. but thats just my pessimistic side. ive been trying to figure him out. it seems like he does like me, but im always scared that guys do things just so they can have a girlfriend, or someone to love. although, i remember when trevor was dropping us (me and jessica) off at marywood, mike and jessica were in the backseat... trevor leaned over and was like shh im not getting out of the car. i was like uhh ok as he proceeds to open the door and runs over to some flowers and brings back one and hands it to me. i about died. but i was like well that was a little awkward but thank you!! hahaha it was just funny bc mike and jessica were in the backseat. it was so cute though. i dunno he just makes me feel crazy haha.  im hoping that i can be his nap buddy today after he gets home from work. but i dont wanna seem clingy. so i kinda dont wanna ask or bring it up. kinda hoping he might say something about it. if he doesnt i might just do it anyway haha. bc it did come up before. he was watching a kitten for a friend that would always sleep with him. and then he had to take him back to the firend. and he was like aww whos gonna sleep with me and all this stuff. he said something like well i guess you could always do that haha. so maybe ill bring it up that way. and maybe it wont seem like im a clinger. haha ok i think ive written plenty..... omg its gonna be liek 80 on saturday and sunday!!!!!! :)

so i had a dream a couple nights ago about alex. well he wasnt in it, but i was at his house with his family. i think his brother was old, but everyone else was the same age. no one really talked to me it was really awkward. and i found out that they had adopted a baby from singapore. wtf?! it was sometime last week and i can still vividly remember it. really weird. lately i feel like alex is closer to me. sounds crazy but like sometimes i just feel him. couple weeks ago i was laying in bed trying to sleep and i started to think about him. my hand was hanging off the bed and it just hit me that i remembered how it felt to hold his hand and what his hands felt like. it sounds crazy but it was like he took my hand. it about killed me. im kind of aware of the process now though. like before he was just gone to me and that was it. but now im kind of aware that sometimes he visits me or something. most of the time itll piss me off or make me upset obviously. i think the next step is to just accept it and to be happy that hes ok. i know that next step is a ways off, but at least its something to work towards. james is amazing in the way he helps me. i can talk to him about it. and he listens. its really hard bc when im away im totally oblivious to how well i have it with james. i meet guy friends at school and its like well what if theyre the right one? what if james and i arent meant to be together and im meeting these guys for a reason? the first time i saw james when i got home though... thats a feeling i would never get tired of. it was just like a high and i couldnt stop grinning. i think that maybe the guys that i met are meant to be there for a reason though. but a different one. i think it might be god's way of saying hey, u sure u love james? like almost a test or something. or maybe to make me realize that james is a great guy. all this sounds so crazy when i read back over it. haha. oh well. i had to  write it. woah he just called me. hahaha.

ive come to learn that i pretty much hate tv. i like sitcoms like that 70s show and stuff like that, but the commercials and everything else has just really gotten ridiculous.  we're such a consumer society, and all the commercials are about how to look good, what we can buy to smell better, or what to eat.  its kind of sickening actualy. and right now jessica has the tv on vh1 which is talking about all these celebrities and their lives, i dont care. i just dont care, useless information, could be interesting at times yeah even a little entertainting i must admit but all in all it ends up that i feel either disgusted or just this 'i dont get it' feeling.  im trying to work on homework and its not getting done. then that makes me more frustrated because i really try to tell myself to do certain things and that ill get it done. but then when that doesnt happen its just annoying. i get to come home in about 9 days so im just looking forward. and saturday should be interesting bc i think my roomates have stuff planned for my birthday. im kinda scared of what theyre gonna do to me haha. i jut feel overwhelmed lately. i cant imagine what next year is gonna be like.. well i guess ill go attempt to write some essays about good ol ernest hemingway..

i question a lot of things, usually not the best thing to do. theres been a lot going on since i last posted. but i dont think i feel like trying to remember ad write down all that. im back from winter break. it was good. i just worked and spent as much time with james as i could. which is always nice. once again, ill say it again im so happy that we get closer it seems like the more im home. when im away it seems like we disagree more or something. but i know its just bc were frustrated and we talk about it too. im excited for james thouhg. even though hes gonna be working 2 jobs, hes gonna try and get into college again and he told me i can be the one that keeps him on track. i got so happy about that bc hes the kind of person that likes to do things himself and especialy usually doesnt want me to help him. but when he said that and asked for my help, i was like well yeah! of course ill help you. and that to me was another step. we keep each other on track. i can also feel myself healing more lately. it still hurts when i try to tell myself that ill never see alex again, but i feel a little more confident about grieving as more time passes. ive also realized that it deosnt help any to make art about it anymore or write about it. it just makes me feel like im in a rut. which seems good to me bc thats a sign to me that thats behind me now. even though i dont think ill ever feel like hes really gone, i can deal with it better. james is my support. i talked to him a lot about it and he still tells me that its ok to talk to him anytime about it. so thats a relief even if he is lying haha. no, i dont think he is though. hes a best friend to me, i can trust him. so i realized the pic that i have on this post, the original was like woah boob cleavage shot so i had cropped it haha. that will happen when i bend down...and someone takes my picture ahha. annnyway, ive been bored almost all day, and feeling like i cant get anything done. thats the worst feeling for me. i get so frustrated at myself for being lazy. thats kinda why i started writing this. im excited to start art therapy internship bc were going to the prison first. we get to have a tour and start a mural on one of the walls next thursday. yay. so yeah things are going pretty good so far school wise. i wonder if james ever thinks about us in the future. i think he does a little but i dont know if its the same way i do. when we had the fight this last week, he said well at least theres a future and i hope to god youre in it. but like in what way? as a friend? as your wife? woah thats kinda weird to think im goiing to be a wife someday haha. but see i question a lot. im just glad he said that. im a hopeless romantic

I LOVE IT WHEN YOU GET HOME AND YOU CAN STILL SMELL MAN ON YOU!!!!!!!!! :P hahahaha good stuff i tell u. i have now started taking showers in the morning instead of night, bc i dont want to wash away the goodness right away. haha im so glad to be home. i think every time i come back, james and i get closer. i feel like we fall even more for each other when i come home. and i know that may be bc im gone for a while at a time, but yeah. still. ive never felt like this or been treated so well. we made twice baked potatoes tonight. i love it when we make stuff together. we put some music on and i am officially his su chef or however u spell it. it was so fun. my brain is kinda asleep now though so im not sure what else to write about. all i know is that i feel like this could last forever when he stares in my eyes. it either makes me so happy i could cry, or scares the hell out of me bc i dont want to get hurt. wow its so confusing but so right at the same time.. ah well i must be off to go sleep. big thanksgiving dat tomorrow, technically today.
peace

its been one of those weeks, or maybe more than one week, where its like i dont feel like doing anything hoping things will go away. im pretty stressed out, and have had a headache for a couple days. i think it might be bc i know i get see him soon, but i miss james alot alot. its so frustrating it hurts almost. and i just want to be done with school. i have so many papers due next week and the week i come back i feel like i wont really get a break bc ill have to do homework and james will have to work. itll be nice just being home though. i have to write a 4 page art history paper by tuesday and have about a page and a half. jessica is working on it too as i write this. i just want to be productive. i thought i was getting sick yesterday bc i just felt exhausted all day. kinda that way today too. i think i may have to curl up in some sweatpants on my bed to work on my paper. that way im not distracted by the internet either. i cant wait for next week though. thursday night were going to a "blackout" party at the club. so we plan to wear all black clothes and then maybe paint designs on our shirts with laundry detergent (since that glows in blacklight) and then we got glowsticks galore to wear. it should be fun. then i get to come home friday!!!!! i havent painted in a while. i just looked down at 2 paintings that are in prgress. hah that may be a while till i pick them up again. oh well.  i guess i have to go be productive or attmpt to anyway, oh and take drugs for my headache ...ugh

so it goes like this: when im away from home, i try to stay concentrated on school. but everytime i think of james or see a picture i just get sappy. when i read mandys post i was just thinking about the future and got all sappy again! thus i am a sap whore....
so anyway, i had my first "club" experience last night. it was actually pretty fun, minus the black guy that grinded on me twice. haha but yeah it was fun dancing for over an hour! woooooo!!!  ive been really aware of how happy my friends make me lately. ive finally felt like a college student haha. im like actaully working on homework over the weekend and then having fun or going out at night. i wish i couldve experienced this kind of thing earlier instead of being away every weekend like the past 2 years.... but anyway, surprising james was sweet. i felt like a comlplete stalker but it was all worth it to see his reaction. and to get kisses in the middle of the theatre lobby! hahaha. good times. i wont write it all out on here bc for one it would be really long, but also bc i dont wanna spoil it for mandy haha. sadly i have been hooked on this song lately and its by david archuletta, u know the american idol kid. its called crush... but parts of it i can realllly relate to. plus its got a catchy beat.
"do you ever think when youre all alone all that we couldbe, where this thing could go
am i crazy or falling in love do you catch your breath when i look at you
are you holding back like the way i do....cuz i believe we can make this into something that will last, last forever, why do i keep runing from the truth, all i ever think about is you, got me hypnotized so memsmorized and i just got to know...."
love it!
oh and rhianna's disturbia = good song too, especially the club version they played last night was awesome!!!!!
uh yeah i dont reallly have a lot to talk about. theres a lot due next week that i gotta hit the books this weekend.... booo but not too long now ill be home for a week!
oh i voted today! go ralph nader!
:D

i never knew how freakin sexy mustaches and beard stubble is, i cant wait to see it fully grown in!  :D

so today ive just been lazy. lately ive been like exhausted and not feeling like doing anything. i guess it could be recovering from being sick. so i thought maybe writing would help some. i cant get james out of my head nad all the little things he said when i was home. ive never felt so happy before. but unfortunately its in my nature to be the slightest bit scared of being left. lately though ive just been jumping in head forst nad just enjoying things in the moment. i just still cannot believe i found a man. and the man i always only dreamed i would get, i never imagined it would come true. i forget how it started, but we were in the car, and started talking about relationships and how we felt. then of course, weaver's name came up. he could tell i was getting upset. he always tells me to just remember the good times i had with him. i then told him it was hard to do that, bc every good time had a "but" to it. i was driving, and i just kinda looked away when i said it. he didnt say anything when i was saying all this, he just reached over and took my hand and squeezed it. he knows me so well already, and knew thats all i needed. i looked over and just smiled at him. i swear we talk with our eyes. like the one time we were just staring at each other and he said someday. i got so excited.  its the most amazing thing. we can just stare at each other and i would never want to leave. i told him at one point after he said i love you, i whispered i hope it never goes away. i was kind of anxious to see what he would say back or how he would react. he just looked at me and said i hope it doesnt either. it was exactly what i had hoped for. its just so unbelievable. i feel like im dreaming. ih and another sappy thing, (this might not be the last thing haha) when i was leaving, we were in the car saying goodbye, i broke down at one point after trying to hold it in. i started like full out sobbing. it was pitiful haha. he made me look at him and he all he said was the tide always returns to shore. it made me stop crying almost imediatly. its sappy but it was so perfect. he kisses away my tears. he just always makes me feel loved. i ended up going inside to say goodbye to his mom and show her our pumpkins. we were kind of hoping she was in bed ;)  but she wasnt which was ok. james gave me a look and a few signs that told me to stay...:) so eventually she went to bed and we risked getting caught. omg i cannot begin to say how freakin amazing that is. haha annnyyway, he walked me to my car to say goodbye. and he said ill be waiting at the shore. :D loooooove it. my poet man. poor guy didnt put clothes on to walk me out. he was out in his underwear under the streetlight. did he care that people could see him, or the fact that he was sick??? nope. im just pretty much speechless. there are no words. see when i start getting like this, it kinda reminds me of how i was in the very beginning with weaver, and that scares me. bc i dont want to be left. i dont want to get hurt bc i put my heart into it. but then i think back to how james is. and how much better he treats me, and what he looks like when he says things. he really means it. and i just cant deny my heart. i love james. i couldnt have gotten a better answer to my prayers.
wow that was a lot i wrote. didnt even notice it. oh one more thing i just have to put out there. you really know that you have a manly man when he can still ehem "perform" i guess u could call it, even after he has worked 13 hours, and he is also getting sick. that was the best before during and after sex hands down i have ever experienced in my life. haha. i knew for sure then and there that i was in love with a real man. :D i love this martinez man.
i guess ill go try to to do something worthwhile now instead of sitting on my lap top all day.
peace!

i thought it was fun at first and that you would get a decent picture out of it. but no. i mean yeah its funny to see the result i guess, but it takes some patience...


http://www.morphthing.com/image/7679863-smile-jpg-and-us-jpg?key=45085aa8de3dde8b6533603222ca0bc3

and i feel bad saying this but i have to rant a little bit.. my roomate and really good friend is getting on my nerves lately. it could be that im jealous but who knows. sometimes i just feel like she does thing to make herself look good and make me look bad. she can be a perfectionist and like ocd at times. like shell make her bed perfectly every morning whereas i just throw the blankets up to the pillow. she just got into sigma which is the honors club where u have to have a 3.5 or above to get in. which is really cool and all that. good for her. but i got up this mornning and shes studying for a art history quiz we have today. now i can perfectly understand that, bc i was going to do that too. but shes looking up images of the paintings online and gonna make flashcards for them....ive done that before...but um its a 5-10 point quiz!!!!!!! like i said it may be bc im sick that im just pissy and a lot of things have gotten on m y nerves lately.
i should start getting ready for my walking class. i dont wanna go bc its cloudy, darkish and cold outside. eehh. i better get rid of this cold soon. i was thinking about skipping and just sleeping which is what i would love to do. but i feel guilty if i dont go.
i cant wait to go home. this is the first time in the 3 years ive been here that i think im really homesick. im crossing off days on my calendar and i talkt to james pretty much every night.
i cannot wait to be home to see everybody.
welp im gonna go listen to my song to make me feel better haha

I cant comprehend how fast
Time flies
When I stare into your beautiful eyes
I never want to let go
Your arms wrap around
Keeping me safe
You whisper I love you
And in that moment
Forever, I wish we could stay

Under the stars,
On top of the van
We lay
You look at me
And Im happy
And in that moment
Forever, I wish we could stay

Dancing in the river
We sing about
Banana pancakes
Flying to the moon
And taking a chance on love
And in that moment
Forever, I wish we could stay.

Youll never know
How happy and complete
You make me feel
When I first saw you
I knew
And every time I hear your voice
I know...
How lucky I am
To make these memories with you
To be the girl that you want
To be the one that you dance with
And to be loved by you
And in this life
Together, I hope we stay

i never knew how happy i could be until i met james. and i never knew how someone could cry bc theyre happy. now i do haha. ive done a lot of reflecting in the past couple weeks after what happened. every time i talk to james i realize so many things about myself. learning about him makes me learn more about myself and know myself better which is like an amazing feeling. were both apart, doing our own thing and like our own stuff but yet were still together. its like before, with weaver i felt like we were always attached and we had to talk at a certain time and id feel really mad at myself if i didnt call him or something. whereas now its like we understand each other well enough and let each live our life yet were always there when we need it. its the greatest thing. oh and one night i was talking to james when i was all sad and about crying on the phone. then he told me he was kinda depressed and hoped he wasnt going back into his depressed stage. right away i knew i had to make not only myself feel better, but him too. so i started asking him questions to get his mind off stuff. after i got off thephone i realized i wouldnt really do that with weaver. it was like if we were both depressed wed just go with and continue to be depressed. weird.  but yeah...
i was trying to remember my "list" of what id like in a guy and i think james pretty much fits everything. i remember thinking i want a guy thats a) taller than me, that i can look up to,  b)wants to help people like i do  c) maybe a little artsy 
there u have it. the one night i was talking to him about what he thought hed like to go to college for or what he pictured himself to be doing. all he said was well i know i want to help people in some way. i melted. i was like ahhhh perrrfect haha. hes thinking more about being an emt more now. but still thinking about firefighting i guess. i would die if i ever saw him in a firefighter uniform. i never thought of a guy in uniform would make me melt but daaaammmnnn, pictureing james in fireman's suspenders and pants........yeah. the only thing is i would be so nervouse everytime hes go to work. so im kinda hoping hell pick emt cuz thats cool too. i actually thought about doing that for awhile myself.   and then i thought about how amazing it would be if we both had jobs, but then did volunteer firefighting together on the side! i think i actaully told him i thought about volunteer firefighting on one our first dates. haha.
i really hope to god that he thinks about these kind of things that i do. that maybe im the one. he told me that im the best thing thats ever happened to him. so maybe that was a little hint of it? :)
everytime i think about james and stuff like that, its so hard to even believe that weaver was ever really a part of my life. it seems so empty now that look back on it. i feel horrible someitmes for thinking about weaver like that bc i try to put myself in his place. he tried really hard to make me happy and was a good person in general, but he just didnt try hard enough to understand me i think. i feel like james and i have done more together in 3 months then weaver and i ever did in 3 years. and wow how effing fast everything happened. but really i think thats the way god planned it. i think it had to happen fast bc it was like a slap in the face to me.  it was like wake up becky wake up!!!!! haha. and really i think its my grandparents up there having such a good time they wanted me to have someone that im completely happy with liek they were. and its kinda weird to say, but i can see my grandpa, and grandma really, picking someone like james. haha i mean come on, he loves music from their era, wants to learn how to swing dance, he likes to drink like my grandpa did, hes a hardworker, and just a gentleman in general. he knows all the little proper ways to treat a girl and be romantic. and as bad as it was, and still hard to handle, weavers suicide thing prob was meant to be too. i really cant imagine how he wouldve ever been happy, or how i wouldve moved on knowing he watched my status and looked at my away messages all the time. im not saying i ever wanted him to do it, and i would never wish something like that to happen to anyones family. but i think somehwere it was planned by god in a way.
liek everything else that happens in life, i know ill get on with it and no matter what someday ill be able to look back on it.
oh and another little thing i realized is that in almost all the pictures i took with weaver, or not even with him just during that time,  i very rarely would smile with my mouth open. it was always like a smirk. i knwo that doesnt seem like a big deal but it is in my mind. ive always been self conscious about my mouth bc i have a crooked smile and my teeth need fixed haha. but now its like oh i dont really care. james and i were asking each what we liked about each other. the first thing he said was my smile. i was stunned i was like what??? but yeah. he always ask me to smile when he looks at me seriously. haha so even in that aspect im more comfortable with myself.
weird stuff.
so anyway, i guess i needed that uh rant, writing therapy? hah. nothing really new at school. its just school. being bored/ not wanting to do homeowrk kind of weekend.
im freaking in love. im going to be seriously insane when i get home in october. i think im gonna scare my parents and anyone else around me. haha i have a picture of james next to my desk here and everytime i look at it make me feel like dancing around and jumping and everything else. haha wow ok i think ill stop now. i think i just saw a ghost/ phantom woah it made me do a double take.
well im off to maybe get some reading done. it might put me to sleep since its grey and rainy outside.
wooooooooooooo i love a martinez man!!!!!!

My mind drifts away
Soon im back in time
Playing like a movie
And I wonder
Was I dreaming
Were those times real?
And why are they so hard
To feel
Why am i
Drifting....drowning?
"Its not my fault"
I say
But it cant take away the
Sting,
I hate.

Wish i could erase
Memories
Bad, useless memories
that only pull my
Sadness back to the surface
Keep them undercover
So that i can enjoy
Love
for once
True Love
That brings me peace
And helps me...
Avoid the sting.
Tell me ill have some release
Catch my mind
Dont let it drift away...